


Lost Boys

by yaymikeyway



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Journal Entries, Sleeping Pills, Suicide, Suicide Notes, loss of partner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 18:57:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11561307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yaymikeyway/pseuds/yaymikeyway
Summary: This piece contains very graphic, sad matters. Please read cautiously. I love you guys.Brendon, through journal entries, tells us about the things he deals with with his boyfriend Ryan.WARNING: Contains p*lls, s*icide, h*nging, and s*icide n*tes.





	Lost Boys

Journal,  
Ryan came home crying yesterday. He said he was tired of everything. When I asked him what was wrong he just shrugged and fell to his knees. I really hope he gets better soon. I hate seeing him upset.   
\- 7/16/07

Journal,  
These past few days, Ryan told me he was feeling a bit better. We sat at home and watched movies, eating popcorn, laughing. Everything seems okay. But I know this is just the beginning of something bad. He always does this. He gets really sad out of no where and then tries to cover it up before it gets worse. I don't want it to get worse. I love him. He knows I do. I just wish he could love himself as much as I love him. I wish there was more I could do.   
\- 7/22/07

Journal,  
He got really bad. We're going downhill fast. I need to weigh him down. Hold him. Make him relax. I just want to shake him and tell him he's fine. Even if I did, he wouldn't believe me. I'm starting to give up. Please give me strength. I really need it right now.   
\- 8/4/07

Journal,  
Ryan's birthday is in a week! When I asked him what he wanted he said he wanted me. He wanted to show me he loved me and maybe that would make him okay again. I hope so. I miss him. He feels so distant now. I want old Ryan back.   
\- 8/25/07

Journal,  
Ryan's birthday was 3 days ago. His funeral is in 2 days. He got really, really bad and he hung himself yesterday. Two days after his birthday. I miss him so much. He left a note saying that he couldn't take it anymore. He felt so sad but he didn't want me or Spencer to think he didn't love us. He did. We know he did. We also know there wasn't anything to do for him. He was a lost cause. He was so damaged, so hurt. He said that no one could cure him. No one understood. But now, without Ryan, I have no purpose. I have no reason to live anymore. I love him. I need him. I'm sorry.   
\- 9/3/07

Journal,  
This will be my last entry. I need Ryan. I can't live without him. I feel so empty, so sad. I can't do this anymore. I'm leaving this notebook on the table I'm sitting at. I have a bottle of sleeping pills to my left, a picture of Ryan and I last year at the park, holding hands, next to them, and a cup of water to my right. It's kind of ironic actually. When I was a kid, I hated taking pills. Look at where I am now. It's funny how life does that sometimes. My heart hurts. It feels heavy. Like it's holding me to my chair.   
So, if this is my last note, I think I should pay my respects.   
Spencer, if you're reading this, I love you, man. You were the best friend anyone could ask for. Please don't let this drag you down. Live. Get married, have kids, tell them about us. Tell them about the band and how it didn't work as well as we thought. We all loved music so much, but we couldn't agree on anything. It's a shame. We could have been great. I know we would have.   
Mom and dad, I love you with all my heart. I always will. Don't be sad. This is what I want. I want to be with Ryan forever, and if this is the only way, then so be it. Please don't spread lies about us. Don't be ashamed of me. Or him. I love him and I always will. Nothing will ever change that. I know you didn't really accept me but I still love you and I hope you love me too.   
Funny enough, I don't have anyone else to thank.   
Well, this is the end I guess. I love you all so, so, so, so much. Goodbye.   
\- 9/13/07

 

And with that, Brendon calmly took the bottle of pills in hand, and opened the child proof lock. 

He poured a handful out into his palm and put them into his mouth. Despite the taste, he reached for the glass of water, taking a gulp and swallowing. 

From the amount of pills he swallowed, twenty or thirty at least, he already felt drowsy. He pressed a kiss to the notebook and closed it. He picked up the picture of him and Ryan as he felt a single tear slip down his cheek. 

"I love you, Ry," he breathes. He can slowly feel the dark cloud looming above his figure descending onto him, consuming him. He puts his head on the table taking his last breath, a sigh of relief.   
And he's gone.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this when I was in a very bad place mentally. This was my way of making myself feel better. But please, if any of you are having thoughts like this, tell someone. It's not worth taking your own life over.  
> Stay safe.


End file.
